Life in a nutshell.

It's been a long time since I've updated my blog.  And there's good reason for that.  My running has sucked.  My grandmother who I lived with all my life passed, work has been crazy and I'm just trying to make it from one place to the next without being too late in life.  I told them to stop during my massage last week because I was late for a work dinner, then quickly changed into 1 of 3 outfits I brought to my appointment and did my makeup while driving (unsafe, I know).

Last November, I completely changed my training to try something different.  I started doing less mileage, higher intensity and more workouts.  I thought I would be in great shape for the Houston half in January... then on Wednesday before the race I got a call at work.  My grandmother had a heart attack.  She was stable but not looking great.  I got out of work late and rushed to the hospital.  As soon as I got there, my grandmother perked up.  She had been out of it all day, but I got to see her up and alert.  We knew that night wasn't certain.  I arrived at the hospital the next morning to wait for the doctors as I'm the medical one of the family and need to be present for these things.

This was the first day of running I missed in months...

My grandmother hadn't  eaten and was refusing to until AFTER the doctors got there because "the last thing I want to do is eat, get sick and be unable to talk to them."  Sure enough rounds took forever and I was able to get nan to eat some toast.  The doctor walked in, and as she called it, she puked.  We went outside to talk where we ultimately made the decision of hospice, we were going to withdraw the drip she was currently on, along with other medications.  Nan was upset.  "I don't want hospice, those people take care of you, just let me go home by myself."  As crystal clear as she was, she didn't get it.  No one said anything, so I had to tell her, you aren't going home, this hospice is here in the hospital...

The look on her face as I told her I will never forget.  To know your body has totally failed you, despite being healthy-- riding her bike, doing her abs everyday still and lifting her soup cans as weights, and that this was it.  I told her we weren't going to be sad and instead do something fun.  I went and got nail polish to paint her nails, and we reminisced and I laid in bed with her.

I left to go take care of myself, I still had a flight to Houston the next day.   I came back that night and everything changed.  Nan was no longer coherent.  We played Frank  Sinatra for hours, then I finally left, knowing this would be the final goodbye.

The next morning on my way to the airport my grandmother shockingly called me.  I couldn't believe it.  She called my brother in Arizona as well who was desperately trying to get on a flight.  Mentally she was hanging on to say goodbyes.  Saturday morning I walked into the expo to pick up my bib and got the phone call, she had passed.

You may wonder why I still went to Houston knowing what was going to happen.  I had the best last memories with her and wanted those to be it.  She got bad.  I know what happens. I see people die in the hospital a lot.  I wanted me painting her nails, laying in bed, talking about the old days with her to be my last memories.

The next week was hard.  I  read her eulogy at the funeral.  I heard from friends I was shocked to hear from and didn't from others I would have thought I would have.  I learned a lot about family and true friendships during this period.

So anyway, this is about running, right?

My running still hasn't been great... in March I went to Gate River.   I ran the worst race of my life.  I did all the work (the abs, but not soup cans), yet my body failed me.  My plane had an emergency landing on the way in, delayed my arrival into JAX and altered my ride picking me up from the airport.  Thankfully for this disaster, I was able to stay an extra night and partake in the after parties.  So I still had a good time and met new people, one of who suggested to get my cortisol tested.  Several days later I did and it was through the roof.  Who knows if that was it or mentally I just wasn't there (racing is 90% mental), but I  recently decided to go back to what worked.

Anytime I meet a non-runner and tell them how much I run, they always say "wow, you must really love running".   Well this is first time I'm admitting this out loud....  No.  I feel like I am missing out on parts of life because I have a long run the next day or I am tired from running 75 miles that week, but I am stubborn and I have a plan.  I always have a plan, I am a planner.  And that plan is Berlin.

The Back Story

Running came into my life at a very important time.  Sure, I ran through HS and college and was decent, I was a soccer player, but the competitive aspect kind of saved me.  After undergrad, I did a masters program at BU medical, which essentially was first year medical school.  I hated it and was beyond stressed and depressed about what I was going to do with my life.  As I had in the past, I used food (rather the lack of) to have control.  Unfortunately this led to rock bottom where I collapsed on the green line in Boston.  The paramedics came down to the lowest level of the train station and took me out on a stretcher to the hospital.  The facility where I had been receiving outpatient treatment was contacted.  The next day I was admitted.

After several weeks, I signed out AMA (against medical advice) and moved home.  I then ran my first marathon the next month (without medical permission or knowledge of course).  I lived, in more way than just not having a heart attack.  I joined a running group and started to see real runners normalizing running and food.  Fast forward 4-5 years and I was now 100% normal in regards to food.  Some people say you can't be cured of an eating disorder, but screw that.   I'm living proof.  Zero negative thoughts enter my mind when I eat chocolate cake.

So I got healthy because I loved running and wanted to run fast.  And guess what, I ran so much faster!!!!   My marathons went from 3:57, 3:27, 3:19, 3:13, 3:12, 3:08, 3:07, 2:59, 2:50, 2:45.

I love competing and I love winning.  But at the end of the day, there is so much more to life than just running.  Sure, I have my best friends I get to run with and travel to races with, but it's nearly impossible to date outside of this world.  No normal person will understand that I NEED to get up early to run, and yes, then run again after work because I'm too stubborn to give up when there are 45 seconds between me and making the OTQ.  That taste in my mouth after missing the trials, of failing. After all that's happened I will be there in 2020.

So full circle here.  My plan is to make the OTQ this September in Berlin.  Then I'm done for a bit.  Life is too short to not live it to the fullest in all aspects of life.  I haven't had a period in 5, maybe 6 years?  To get my body rested and recovered and live a life that more normal people my age are doing!

I'm pretty excited!